Nightshade: A SimLit | Chapter 97: Imperfection

Alexander never expected to find himself making out with a stranger in the stall of a grimy nightclub bathroom, but he wasn't ever surprised by anything that happened once the alcohol set in. He was no stranger to a one night stand, but this was possibly the worst place he'd had one -- not that he cared as long as he got what he wanted. At this point, it felt like his downward spiral wouldn't come to an end, but it didn't bother him in the slightest. He was fine spending the rest of his life destroying himself. It didn't matter anymore. Sometimes he would consider getting help, for just a moment he'd realize that his recklessness was only going to send him to a grave that immortality could save him from otherwise, but in moments like this one, he didn't have the strength to fight it. The blissful numbness of intoxication mingling with the heavy sensation of his body pressed against another, lips sloppily kissing every inch of skin that they could find in a drunken stupor, all of it was enough to keep him addicted, to keep coming back for more until nothing was ever enough -- how could it be enough when he'd hardly remember it by morning?

But this time, he felt like he wouldn't entirely forget, either. She said her name was Alyssa, and he found her irresistible, beyond the usual drunk-and-horny kind of way. Her eyes were the same color as Brynn's, and when he noticed that, it's when he'd decided to offer to buy her a drink. And then they kept buying drinks, and then they ended up doing unspeakable things in the bathroom. Of course, if he was in his right mind, he'd never put his hands on a drunk girl... but he was just as drunk as she was and didn't even know the difference anymore, and quite frankly, neither did she. There was no one to blame, no one at fault for what they were doing except perhaps their own selves, but Alexander wasn't the kind of person to go through life having regrets about anything, and this would be no exception. Heck, maybe he'd get her number and hook up another time, when they were sober enough to know what they were even doing, if she was into it. 

Or maybe she would be a rare regret after all.

---

Hangovers were always the worst. Alexander didn't really even know what time it was; it was morning, and that was all that was relevant. With a cup of coffee to hopefully combat his intense exhaustion, he slid into a barstool at the kitchen island and stared emptily at the wall as he sipped it. His head was throbbing and his mind was fuzzy, but the worst part was that he couldn't forget every small detail of last night that he was capable of recalling. He'd woken up to find her number entered into his phone, and the suspense of whether she'd reply to the text he sent was already killing him. Why did she appeal to him so much? He didn't know the answer to that. He didn't know the answer to much of anything anymore.

"Alexander."

He snapped out of his haze when footsteps entered the kitchen and a demanding tone filled his ears.

"Can you explain to me," Amelia began, slamming her hands down a little too harshly on the island counter, "why exactly I heard you stumbling home and upstairs to your room at three in the morning?"

He froze up like a deer caught in headlights. "I-I was just... out..."

"Out doing what?" Amelia interrogated. "Alexander, I'm not stupid. I know you sneak out and go clubbing or whatever all night... even when you tell me you're not." 

"I'm a grown man. You're not my mom and you can't tell me what to do." His eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"Well, your mom's dead, so obviously someone has to step in and do it!" She let out an exasperated sigh. "Listen, I'm worried about you. This isn't good for you, but no matter how many times I try to talk to you about it, you just... ignore it! And then you push me away and refuse to open up about how you're feeling. I'm your sister. I'm here for a reason, and that reason is to look out for you--"

"No, the reason you're here is so that you can nag at me all the time!" Alexander snapped. "Can you at least lower your voice down if that's what you're going to do? My head's killing me."

She scowled. "I'm not lowering my voice! You can't tell me what to do, and I guess what I'm going to do right now is nag some sense into you! You never listen, but I need you to. You don't understand... you're destroying yourself. You aren't the Alexander that I used to know, and I want him back. I'm tired of watching you drink yourself to death, spending the night with random girls, because I know you're doing that too, I've seen your phone... are you even sensible enough to be responsible? What if one of them ends up pregnant? What are you going to do then?"

"You've been looking through my phone!? You can't be serious! That's none of your business!"

"I didn't say I looked through it! You'll leave it laying around somewhere and some random girl's name comes up on it when you get a phone call or something! And I've seen texts you've left open that were... things I didn't want to see." Amelia averted her gaze, seeming mildly disgusted by whatever she was alluding to. "That isn't the point. Even if I was looking, it doesn't change the fact that--"

"Just stop it, Amelia! I don't want your help, I don't want you to be worried about me! I just want you to let me do what I want and quit prying into my business all the time!" Alexander yelled. "All of my life, I was expected to be perfect by mom! Make perfect grades, be perfect in college... then by the time I graduated, I was pressuring myself to be perfect at everything, too! And now, I run the biggest science research company in the world... everyone expects me to be perfect! Are you going to do the same thing to me!? Do you expect me to be perfect at life itself? Because I'm not and I'll never be! I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to fail. I'm human! Why does no one ever understand that!? You're just as bad as mom was, if not worse!"

Amelia fell silent and turned away, trying to hide the tears that involuntarily slid down her cheeks. "I-I don't want you to be perfect, I just--"

He had no intention to let her finish her sentence. "All you ever do is see the bad in me! Maybe you don't like what I'm doing with my life, but it isn't your decision to make! I'm the one that decides, and if this is what I want to do, you should support me! That's what a real sister would do, but you're not my real sister anyway, so maybe that explains why you don't!"

By the time he realized the weight of his words, they had already crushed her and it was too late to take them back. Her chest tightened at the sound of them and she harshly slammed her palms down onto the countertop, unable to hold back her anger as she broke down into sobs. "You might not think I'm your real sister, but I've never seen you as any less of a brother to me! That's why I'm so worried about you! Because I love you, Alexander! I don't want to see you go to a dark place that you can never come back from! You don't realize how much you're hurting yourself! And how much that hurts me!"

Slowly, he stood from his seat and approached her, shaking his head in disbelief at his own self. "N-No, I didn't mean..."

"Don't," she choked out, trying to disguise her sobs as she turned away from him. "Don't make excuses... y-you're always making excuses. You said what you meant. You meant it..."

"I-I swear I didn't," Alexander said softly, his voice trembling increasingly more with every word, "I-I'm so sorry. I love you... I don't know what's wrong with me..."

There was no response from her, mostly because she knew if she even tried to speak again she'd break down even more than she already had. He came closer and grabbed ahold of her shoulders, forcing her to turn to him before pulling her into a tight hug.

"...I know sorry can't fix what I said," he began gently, "I know I hurt you, and I've been hurting you, and I keep hurting you... but you're the last person on this planet that I want to hurt... I-I'll try to change, I promise..."

"I know you didn't mean it," Amelia murmured, tightly wrapping her arms around him in return. "You're not yourself anymore... can't you see what all of this is causing? I'm begging you to get help. Please. I don't want to see you this way forever..."

 It wasn't that he had no desire to change his ways, but he was afraid of it. Could he really let go of the only things that made him feel alive? Once the tourniquet was removed from his wound, would he bleed out? He wasn't willing to take the risk of pain, even if holding onto the things that relieved it would only cause more in the end. The gun was in his hand, but he couldn't pull the trigger, even if sometimes he could get as far as to put his finger on it. 

He wasn't ready. He'd never be ready.

"I'll try," Alexander meaninglessly reassured her. 

---

Alone in her dressing room, Aurora stared into the vanity mirror anxiously. Today was her first modeling shoot and she was beyond nervous about it. Since the day of her audition, she'd tried to forget about Cal's behavior and dismissed it as much as she was able to, but it stuck with her, and the thought of being used as his helpless photo prop was far from appealing. But this was the job she'd chosen and gotten accepted for -- and her first paycheck that would come along with it made everything seem worth it.

"Aurora?" Behind her, the door quietly opened, but she could tell from the voice it wasn't her stylist returning.

"Oh, hey, um... Krystal, right?" Aurora turned her attention to the woman as the door was shut again. "You have a shoot today too?"

"Just call me Krys," she said. "Actually, I do have a shoot. Cal said maybe we could even do a few photos together... since I'm already popular, it'd give you a boost, and he figured we'd look good as a combination. Since we haven't had the chance to talk since you came here, I thought I'd come to get to know you a little better..."

Aurora was oddly relieved that perhaps, even for a part of the shoot, she wouldn't be alone with nothing but the cameras and Cal. "That sounds great. I'd like to get to know all of my coworkers a bit, and I suppose that can start with you, so... um... what did you want to know?"

"How did you pass the audition?"

She tensed at the question and stood from her seat. "W-What do you mean?"

Krys's expression was scornful. "I mean... I don't know, I didn't take you as the slutty type. But apparently you didn't mind taking off all your clothes for a man you'd never met before."

"I-I..." Aurora rubbed her arm self-consciously. "It isn't that I liked doing it, but I really needed a job. My last one was minimum wage, and... it really wasn't enough to pay for rent and support my son..."

"Oh, you have a son? Where's his dad? Maybe I was wrong about your type."

"...his dad's around, he's just... difficult to deal with," she explained, growing increasingly uncomfortable with Krys's condescending tone.

"I see." Krys smirked. "Well... maybe you do need to learn to keep your clothes on more often. Or at least you did, but it's too late for that, I guess, so... mind if I share a word of advice?"

"I... I guess not, no," Aurora sighed. 

"If you want a more steady income, you should try out a side gig," Krys said. "I don't need the extra money, but to boost my fame a little, I do OnlySims. I bet you'd be great at that."

"...OnlySims?" Aurora questioned.

"You know, the website where a bunch of loser dudes pay you for sexy pics?" She explained.

"Thanks for the suggestion, but... I'm not really comfortable with that," Aurora said, trying her best to smile politely, although it turned out awkward. "I mean... selling my body... to random men."

"You're not comfortable with it?" She simply laughed in response and turned toward the dressing room door, placing her hand on the knob. "Okay, whatever you say..."

"...but humor me with this question: what do you think the job you have now is? It's all the same. Selling your body to a stranger. Cal owns you now, and he's selling you to anyone who wants to look. If you're really not comfortable with that, you wouldn't have passed the audition, and you won't make it very long. But I believe you're far more licentious than you want people to think. You'll fit in here perfectly along with the rest of us. We're all lusting for something, Aurora. Fame, fortune, adoration... what is it that you want?"

She left the room and shut the door harshly behind her, leaving Aurora to contemplate her patronizing question.

What did she want?