Nightshade: A SimLit | Chapter 113: When You're Expecting

  There was a time that Orion knew exactly what to expect in life -- misery. Another beating. Another breakdown. Another day spent wishing it would all just end.

Now he always woke up grateful that a new day was beginning. 

Over the years, he had grown used to life's new twists and turns. There was always something unexpected happening; having a large family was just like that. On the rare occasion it wasn't, he knew to brace himself for when things turned chaotic once again. 

Like the time that Alnilam came out to him and started bringing his boyfriend over after school. Which wasn't a problem, or at least it wouldn't have been, had Alnilam's boyfriend not been his best friend's son. Oberon was the spitting image of Uranus, and it was really weirdly uncomfortable having to watch him intensely make out with his son -- a constant, nauseating occurrence, usually less than five feet away -- who also looked sort of like him.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Or the time that Rigel married, of all people, Alesta Wesley, meaning that Alexander was officially part of the Star family. Meaning that he now believed it was his right to come over, unannounced, at any given time, just to make Orion's life miserable. Orion didn't hate Alexander, but how could Alexander expect anyone to tolerate him? If he wasn't making poorly-timed inappropriate jokes, he was making poorly-timed really inappropriate jokes, because he's a shameless weirdo. Every family has one of those. Unfortunately.

Turns out, something great came out of Alexander's insufferable existence; a grandchild -- a grandson, to be exact, Altair Star. Maybe Alexander did drive both Orion and Skylar a little crazy, but since the three all became first-time grandparents and were forced to co-grandparent, they got along a little easier and things slowly started to feel normal.

Besides, seeing Alexander act like a completely different guy and dote on Altair was enough to make Orion almost love him. Almost. He might have actually started loving him, but then Alexander decided he was going to nickname the baby 'Goopy' without any explanation.

Understandably, everyone was too scared to ask why.

The only predictability that remained in his life was that somehow, some way, Skylar was always going to end up pregnant just when they thought they'd outsmarted the apparent grand cosmic plan of them having enough kids to assemble an army. No matter how hard they tried, nothing was going to stop it, except maybe permanent preventative measures that neither of them could ever manage to actually go through with no matter how much they discussed it. It was an endless cycle: Skylar gets pregnant. Whine dramatically about another kid. End up falling in love with the kid. Swear you're not going to have another kid. Rinse. Repeat.

Naturally, the cycle was currently repeating itself now.

The reason why Skylar didn't mind their ever-expanding family, despite that going against pretty much every plan they had for their lives, was that Orion was an amazing father. Maybe she only saw him that way because he had everything her own father had lacked, but she didn't care if he really was just doing what a dad was supposed to do. She loved catching a glimpse of the little mundane moments; the tender ones when he thought no one was watching and he'd let himself be embarrassingly sappy with them. When she'd peer through the doorway to their daughters' bedrooms and find them giving him makeovers with glittery eyeshadow and icky, dreadful lipgloss from a play-makeup set, and he'd just be grinning ear to ear, not caring how ridiculous he looked as a pretty pink princess -- maybe even relishing the feeling of being one. When he'd slip out of bed in the middle of the night, careful not to wake her and not realizing it always did, just to go hold the baby and babble on in his cringey yet somehow adorable baby-talk voice. When he'd read the kids bedtime stories and check underneath their bed five times just to make sure there weren't any monsters, all while reassuring them that he was afraid of monsters in the dark, too. Every single one of their children had him wrapped around their tiny fingers from the moment they were born. He could never say no to any of them, so they got whatever they wanted and they were painfully spoiled, but it didn't show; their father's kind and gentle demeanor was a seemingly inherited trait, which she was exceedingly thankful for. Skylar truly thought that she must have been the luckiest wife and mother in the world, married to the most loving husband and father that anyone could dream of having. 

But maybe she was just biased.

Of course, pregnancy itself wasn't exactly her favorite part of life. She was more than used to feeling like there was a giant watermelon strapped to her abdomen all the time, but at a current seven months pregnant, it was hard to get comfortable enough to get quality sleep -- or to do anything, considering how much it got in the way. It didn't help that Orion, even in his sleep, was determined to be latched onto her body like a starved leech. Tonight, though, she was more uncomfortable than usual. Too uncomfortable. She tossed and turned between the short bouts of sleep she kept waking up from, mentally dismissing the unusual amount of soreness as her tired body rebelling for her putting it through all this yet again. But when the dull aches turned to a sudden, searing pain stabbing through her torso -- an all too familiar sensation -- she sat up in a panic, gritting her teeth as the realization sank in. No, this couldn't be happening. Not now. She gripped the headboard hard enough for her knuckles to whiten, willing herself to her feet despite the weakness in her trembling legs. She took a deep breath. Two. Three...

"Skylar?"

Skylar tensed at the sound of the groggy voice behind her. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but all she managed was a sharp cry as another wave of pain radiated through her body. It was different than the usual labor contractions she was used to; not that she should even be having contractions, considering she wasn't due for another two months, but even aside from that, something was wrong. 

"Skylar, what's wrong?"

She wished she knew the answer to that. She whimpered a response as Orion scrambled out of bed, rushing to her side and trying to seem as calm as possible, an effort that only somewhat worked. "T-The baby..."

He draped her arm around his shoulders and tucked his underneath to wrap around her back, giving her enough stability to remain on her feet. "S-Something's... wrong with the baby?"

Her eyes screwed shut to fight the tears welling in them and she nodded. "I-It's too early, but I think..."

She didn't have to finish the sentence for the dread to sink in. "Oh," he responded, his quivering voice barely above a whisper. "O-Okay. It's okay, we're gonna get you to the hospital, okay?"

Skylar's facade of strength was fading. "N-No, this can't be-- everything was fine, and then..."

"Sweetheart," was all he could whimper, wrapping both of his arms fully around her and guiding her into his embrace. She crumbled, letting herself fall against him, no longer willing her limbs to find the strength on their own. Her shallow breaths were erratic and heavy against his chest. She couldn't fight the tears, and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't numb her pain, he couldn't make it stop, he could only expect. Tonight, his expectations were fueled by the sinking feeling in his gut. 

---

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...

The incessant ticking of the waiting room clock served as the only thing to deafen Orion's scrambled thoughts. Time was both the sole sense of reality he still grasped onto and a concept long disregarded by his brain. How many seconds had he subconsciously counted as they crawled by? Another hour and he was sure he'd lose his sanity -- or at least what was left of it. Most of the seemingly never-ending night was now nothing more than a blur to his exhausted mind. Panicked voices in hushed tones, murmuring amongst each other; the scribbling of pens against clipboards; the sterile scent of disinfectant and the snap of gloves against bare skin. Only when Skylar was in the hands of the hospital staff had he finally allowed himself to break down. He didn't need a doctor to know something was wrong, but when their worst fears were confirmed that there was no stopping her preterm labor, nor the myriad of complications that could arise with it,  that's when the gravity of the situation really sank in. At first, it went smoothly. Her labor progressed rapidly, but it wasn't any different than the numerous other times they'd been in this position. 

And then all hell broke loose.

The screams still rang in his ears no matter how hard he tried to shove them to the back of his mind. Then there was the erratic beeping of monitors, the blood, the wooziness that overcame him at the sight of the scene that he still hadn't fully recovered from. The nurses practically dragged him kicking and screaming from the maternity ward and into the waiting room, his pleas to stay with her falling on deaf ears. Emergency surgery, they'd told him. Only medical personnel were allowed in the operating room. That's when he was forced to make a choice -- when they wrung a split-second answer out of him without a moment's reprieve to process the question. But he didn't need to think, there was only one choice he could live with. He begged them to do what anyone would, he thought; to save his wife no matter the cost, even if the price was their unborn child. His stomach churned at the thought that the reason they were taking so long could be because they'd failed to do so. Even the thought of success was suffocating, tightening his chest as he mulled over the scenarios. Was Skylar alive? Was their baby alive? What if neither of them were alive? His lungs failed to find air, another wave of panic settling into the pit of his stomach. His child was a loss that would crush him. But Skylar? She was his whole world, and what's left when the world crumbles to pieces? He had finally found so much to live for in life, but wasn't all of it thanks to her? If his world simply stopped spinning, there would be nothing but an infinite dark void to succumb to in the wake of its death. Orion still remembered a place like that; the sprawling nothingness between the balcony and the hospital bed. He couldn't go there again. He didn't want to, not anymore. 

"Star," a voice called from the doorway. Orion was so deep in his inner turmoil that he might not have processed his name being called if it hadn't been for the fact that there was no one else in the waiting room for the nurse to be talking to. With fidgeting hands and watery eyes, he glanced up at the man across from him. "She's okay, right? Please tell me she's okay..."

The nurse glanced at his clipboard thoughtfully, clearly thinking out his words before he spoke them. "As you know, Skylar was experiencing some complications..."

"Yes, but is she okay?"

"...which we determined were very serious," he continued. 

"Just tell me if she's alive!"

"She is," the nurse reassured him, "as is your son, however..."

A wave of both relief and nausea washed over Orion. "However?"

"Skylar experienced a uterine rupture. It's... well, it's when the uterus ruptures -- it rips open," the nurse explained in the simplest terms he could. 

Orion paled, getting the picture even before it was dumbed down. "R-Rupture...?"

"It typically happens after someone's had multiple cesareans, or numerous pregnancies, which overtime can weaken the uterine wall. She lost a lot of blood, and quite nearly the baby," he said. "As you know, we performed an emergency cesarean. Your baby's being heavily monitored in the NICU, and I doubt he'll be leaving soon. He's premature, and after a traumatic birth like that... oxygen deprivation and potential long-term brain damage are a concern."

Long-term brain damage? He was on the cusp of a meltdown. "And Skylar...?"

"There isn't an easy way to tell you this, so I'll just say it." The nurse paused before proceeding, as though giving him a moment to brace himself. "She'll recover, but we weren't able to save her uterus. The surgeon had no choice but to remove it. She hasn't been told yet. If you'd like to be the one to break the news to her, that's fine, or the doctor can..."

Orion wondered how many times tonight he would feel as though he'd been ran over and crushed by a train. "No, I can do it. I-I can tell her," he reluctantly replied. "I just want to see her... can I see her? Please?"

"Of course. She should be awake and cognizant by now, for the most part, but likely a little drowsy. Follow me; her room's this way..."

---

The hospital hallways went on forever. Right, left, left, right, twists and turns and trudging through double doors that only led to more rows of rooms that weren't hers. He knew that they'd reached the maternity ward, at least, when the wails of both mothers and children could be heard around every corner. His ears automatically drowned them out. His mind focused on only one thing: Skylar. 

Finally, the nurse stopped at a door. "In here. Do you want to be alone, or do you need help--"

"Alone," Orion interrupted without really meaning to. "I-If you don't mind."

He smiled. "Not at all. There's a nurse call button if she needs anything or if you have any questions."

"Thank you."

The nurse stepped away to return to the nearby station, leaving Orion, as requested, alone at the door. He reached for the handle, hesitating the moment his palm rested on the cold metal. He had to keep himself together. He had to be strong for her sake, but how? How would he tell her their baby was in critical condition, or that she was missing an organ? He didn't know, but he was going to have to figure it out... somehow. 

The shrill squeak of the door's hinges startled her out of her sleep. His heart lurched at the sight of her laying there, more helpless than he could remember her ever being. She was always being the strong one for him. It was his turn to do it for her, and reminded himself of that as he stepped into the room. "Skylar?"

"Orion...?" Her voice was weak, throat raw from intubation. 

His feet scrambled to her bedside, nearly too fast for the rest of his body to catch up. "Don't waste your strength trying to talk," he said gently, pulling up a nearby chair to sit in. 

"But... the baby...?"

"He's... stable. He's in the NICU, and, um... he might have some health problems, but he's-- he's alive and that's all that matters." His hand gingerly wrapped around hers. "He's gonna be okay, sweetheart..."

Tears welled in her eyes. "T-They're not going to let me see him, are they...?"

"Not right now. You need to stay in bed, and he needs to stay there... he's probably on oxygen and monitors."

"W-What if--" She choked up. "What if he's not going to be okay and I never-- we never even get to hold him?"

"H-Hey, no, don't think like that." Orion's voice trembled as he squeezed her hand. "I-I haven't gotten to meet him yet, but I already know he's like you -- he's strong. He made it this far..." 

Sobs wracked her body, and it was all he could do to keep his silent, but he couldn't will away the tears that ran down his cheeks. "There's... something else I need to tell you," he admitted, trying his best to sound calm. 

"Wh-What...?"

"It's... about the complications you had," he began cautiously. "They had to do a partial hysterectomy."

Skylar's sobs fell silent. She stared, dumbfounded by what she was hearing. "A partial hysterectomy," she repeated slowly. "I had a hysterectomy."

"T-The nurse said they didn't have a choice. There was a lot of damage, and blood loss..."

Her gaze trailed off to somewhere else. "...I'm so sorry, Orion..."

"Sorry?" His eyebrows furrowed. "For what?"

"We'll never be able to have kids again. And I know most of the time we don't even plan to when it happens, but... I-I never see you happier than when you're with the kids. I never wanted a big family, or even kids at all, at first, but... you changed everything for me. I love our family more than anything. S-So I'm sorry that this is the last time you'll get to experience this -- that we'll get to experience this together. Watching our baby grow up, all of the firsts will be the lasts. The last first word, the last first steps..."

Orion's fingers ran lightly through her hair, her voice trailing off into the somber silence. "We'll just have to cherish all of those moments even more this time," he said quietly. "It doesn't matter to me if we can have more kids or not. Our family can be complete, and that's okay. I love you for you, Skylar. One kid, ten kids, a hundred of them... as long as we're together, I'll always be happy."

"But--"

"Besides, we had to be done at some point, right? Every time we have another baby, we swear it'll be the last and then it isn't. Is it really so bad that there was a last? I-I hate seeing you go through it over and over, and after this kind of experience? I'm glad it's over. I don't want you to ever have to feel like this again..."

She sniffled, weakly wiping her eyes with her hand. "Orion..."

He just smiled. "But if it really upsets you that we won't have any more kids... there's always adoption. If it's something you wanted, I'm more than willing."

"Adoption?" She managed to smile. "Can't believe you're suggesting another way to get a baby already..."

Orion laughed. "I'm just saying, it's gonna be okay, Skylar... no matter what."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

---

One would expect noise and liveliness in a ward for babies, but the neonatal intensive care unit was a chilling type of silent, filled only with the whirring and beeping of machines. When Orion laid eyes on the incubator his son was in, he hesitated. A sense of dread pooled in his stomach, not knowing if he'd be able to handle the sight, but with a deep, shaky breath, he pushed forward, approaching the isolette in slow steps. 

His heart skipped a beat when he came into view. It was bittersweet; a mixture of hope and helplessness to see something so small and fragile. With his trembling hands delicately resting on the clear pane, he smiled softly, tapping his finger against it to grab the infant's attention. "Hey, baby..."

The sleeping child stirred, half-opening his eyes at the sound of his father's voice. There was nothing Orion wanted more than to hold him, but he couldn't. At least he was more privileged than Skylar -- she couldn't even come to see him yet. Still, his emotions got the better of him, and the tears were staining his cheeks before he even realized he was crying. If there was one last experience he was glad for, it was this. 

---

Skylar sighed to herself as she stared into the mirror. She found herself lingering every night when she changed into her pajamas, eyes fixed on the scar etched across her stomach, a permanent reminder of what transpired months ago. For the most part, she'd made a physical recovery, as did their son, Orionis, but mentally? Emotionally? She wasn't so sure. Truth be told, she hated the scar. She hated her body. Maybe she even hated herself. The doctors always told her it was normal. Lots of women feel broken after hysterectomies, they said. It wasn't that a missing body part made her feel broken. She had more worth to herself than a uterus. It was just that some things took longer to heal than physical wounds did. This was one of those things, and that was okay. 

"Skylar?"

A familiar pair of arms snaked around her waist from behind. Skylar glanced over her shoulder, smiling as Orion's chin tilted upwards to rest on it. "Mm?"

He smiled in return. "Is something bothering you? You were kind of spacing out..."

It was a complicated question with a complicated answer. "A little," she sighed, "but I'll be okay. Don't worry about me."

"You're always worrying about me. I get a turn at worrying about you, that's only fair," he replied. "Do you want to talk about it?"

How could she talk about something she didn't even understand herself? "I think I just want to finish changing into my pajamas and get some rest, sweetheart. I'm exhausted."

It wasn't exactly transparency, but at least it was honesty. Orion could tell there was something more to it, even if he'd take it as a win she was willing to admit there was anything wrong in the first place. He didn't expect there not to be. She was dealing with a lot -- they both were. "Okay," he said, softly pressing his lips to the back of her shoulder. "Need help?"

"You want to help me with... what, exactly? Putting them on or taking them off?" Skylar teased and turned to face him, her smile turning to a grin when his cheeks flushed. 

"I'll let you decide," he said, wiping the grin right off her face. That was the boldest move he'd made since she had the baby. Then again, it was also the boldest move she'd made since then, too.

Her answer didn't take much deliberation. Skylar cupped his face in her hands, guiding him into a chaste kiss that, to her surprise, quickly escalated to something more intense. His arms wrapped back around her waist, and she hummed contently against his lips as they curved into a smile. Her worries all seemed to melt away in his arms, and she knew that even on her worst days, Orion would always find a way to cheer her up.